[ Root pretends to be soft to lure other people in, takes full advantage of the natural assumptions people make about a tall thin woman with a sweet face and a kind voice. It's one of the reasons she so rarely feels known and accepted; she knows that who she really is isn't someone most people are comfortable with. In a funny way, getting past the exterior layer reveals only a middle layer of cold callousness, and beneath that is only where she's able to be vulnerable and express true softness like this. Which she does long to do sometimes.
However cynical she is, however many people she's killed and tortured and is willing to do so again, Root is just a person. She does want to be understood. It's a very unfortunate human failing that she is not exempt from.
Sexual interest is at least a human failing she doesn't mind so much. Not that she'd ever make it easy for someone she was genuinely interested in. Where's the fun in that? Clea asked, so she's going to be subject to Root waxing eloquent instead of leaning into the flirting. One of these is a much rarer opportunity than the other for Root. ]
I used to get upset about the inevitable cosmic entropy of the universe, [ Root says thoughtfully, answering obliquely. Like Clea perceived, it's a more authentic sort of response, her real thoughts, unpolished. ] Humanity is disappointing and we're only going to get worse with time.
[ She pauses. ]
But now I think if each of us is a flare, just a speck in the infinite, that means we can do anything, be anything. If it's impossible to measure that means it's impossible to define, no permanent end state.
[ The truth is, she found something that gave her hope, and Root is both in awe of that and overwhelmed by it. Root is always unapologetic about her decisions, but she knows she'll die for this one, and she's betting sooner rather than later. It lends a quiet urgency to her words as the bottom layer, beneath the higher layers of light humor and sarcastic self-awareness. ]
I did change, just a little. That I did surprised me.
[ Clea listens. She turns her body toward Root, giving the other woman her full attention. Root does not strike Clea as a woman who speaks honestly - truly and authentically - often. Fortunately for Root, she is also not boring, so Clea actually enjoys having her as a conversational partner. If she did not, she would not have indulged her and would have kept their interactions strictly professional.
Root expresses the sentiment differently than Clea would have, coming at it from a different angle, but it's a sentiment that Clea can nevertheless understand. It also speaks well of Root's character that she does express the sentiment at all: too many people who are enamored of computers, science, and technology are locked in a perpetual search for The Answer. Which does not, of course, exist. ]
After my brother died, I could only look upon the future with despair. My parents ceased to care for themselves and my injured sister, so they all became my responsibility.
[ She'd spent her days in drudgery: making certain nobody found her parents in the Canvas while ensuring their bodies were cared for. Caring for Alicia herself after the first nurse had tried to sell pictures of her maiming. The world was full of vultures: her family's seclusion had been interesting. Paperwork, planning, and caretaking, day after day. Clea hadn't even wanted to leave their manor: if her sister's friends could betray her, who was to say Clea's would not do likewise? ]
When I considered my life in the future, it was with perpetual weights on my neck, sinking me down into weeks and years of being as a pack mule or a servant.
[ A sentiment many would consider horrific. Caretakers were supposed to be happy for their burdens, to be positive and act only out of love. They weren't supposed to have any feelings about what they placed aside. Clea was supposed to welcome the idea of being her sister's advocate and caretaker for the rest of their lives, for decades, even as it was thrust upon her as suddenly as the injury had been on the remaining younger sibling. She was not supposed to resent the constraints this placed upon her ability to live her own life. ]
I only considered surprise to be a negative at that point. Surprise had stolen my brother and my life from me.
[ And so, for some time, it had provided no succor. ]
Then, someone I had known as a child and moved away returned unexpectedly, and she came calling. We ended up in a small shop, trying lavender ice cream together. She had not been in any of my thoughts of the future. She had been a surprise, but a welcome one.
It served as a reminder that the future is not set in stone.
[ It's typical Root to drop in on someone she hasn't seen in years and immediately lapse into a conversation about the entropic state of the universe and whether it's possible to find hope in that immutable decay. Then again, this is precisely why Clea even knows her as Root -- she'd been drawn to this early on, and curiosity is a precious thing for Root to feel about another person, something she nurtures. She can tell there's a heaviness to Clea's past that's honed her to an edge, like a chisel chipping off pieces of stone until it reveals the barest, most minimal form underneath. She's always liked that.
Even so, she remains convinced the Machine did not send her here for her benefit. Which means she listens to Clea's story with personal interest, and with something more. Something sharper. ]
I don't get surprised very often, [ Root confesses, because existence was for so long just drudgery to her. ] But you've always managed to surprise me.
They tried to contain you, but you're too much to be contained. If it wasn't that visitor and that ice cream it would've been something else. You got out of there somehow -- that part was inevitable.
[ She's here today, so she must have. Root is openly admiring, not a trace of reservation in her praise. It's vanishingly few people she has anything complimentary to say about, but those few, she's effusive. And she's become even less reserved since falling in with the Machine. ]
You were never meant to be subservient. To anyone.
[ Clea is pleased that she is a source of surprise. That she adds some of that all-important entropy to the other woman's life. She does strive to be interesting. She could have easily rested on her parents' laurels and name and spent her life creating insipid 'art', or singing absurd songs others wrote that contained as much intellectual substance as cotton candy.
Instead, she has devoted her life to the esoteric and the odd, to plumbing the depths and crannies of the human experience and rendering them. To reminding people that there is more in heaven and Earth than is dreamed of in their philosophies.
To have succeeded with a woman with such a unique life is a source of pride.
To be so admired by a woman with such a unique experience is a source of pleasure. Clea smiles. It is not a soft expression: there is an fierce edge to it, a glint in her eyes. It is an expression of triumph. ]
That is true. I wish I had photographed my parents' faces when they realized I'd taken custody of my sister.
[ They had thought she was bluffing. That they could remain in their fairy tale world playing games while their lives burned and Clea would do nothing.
Clea leans forward and gives Root her full attention, grey eyes examining her thoroughly, as she would any piece of art. ]
You are more yourself than you used to be.
[ Hmm. No. That is not correct. Root has always been herself, even underneath the mask. ]
You exist in more of your potential space than you had before. You grow in many directions instead of one.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
However cynical she is, however many people she's killed and tortured and is willing to do so again, Root is just a person. She does want to be understood. It's a very unfortunate human failing that she is not exempt from.
Sexual interest is at least a human failing she doesn't mind so much. Not that she'd ever make it easy for someone she was genuinely interested in. Where's the fun in that? Clea asked, so she's going to be subject to Root waxing eloquent instead of leaning into the flirting. One of these is a much rarer opportunity than the other for Root. ]
I used to get upset about the inevitable cosmic entropy of the universe, [ Root says thoughtfully, answering obliquely. Like Clea perceived, it's a more authentic sort of response, her real thoughts, unpolished. ] Humanity is disappointing and we're only going to get worse with time.
[ She pauses. ]
But now I think if each of us is a flare, just a speck in the infinite, that means we can do anything, be anything. If it's impossible to measure that means it's impossible to define, no permanent end state.
[ The truth is, she found something that gave her hope, and Root is both in awe of that and overwhelmed by it. Root is always unapologetic about her decisions, but she knows she'll die for this one, and she's betting sooner rather than later. It lends a quiet urgency to her words as the bottom layer, beneath the higher layers of light humor and sarcastic self-awareness. ]
I did change, just a little. That I did surprised me.
no subject
Root expresses the sentiment differently than Clea would have, coming at it from a different angle, but it's a sentiment that Clea can nevertheless understand. It also speaks well of Root's character that she does express the sentiment at all: too many people who are enamored of computers, science, and technology are locked in a perpetual search for The Answer. Which does not, of course, exist. ]
After my brother died, I could only look upon the future with despair. My parents ceased to care for themselves and my injured sister, so they all became my responsibility.
[ She'd spent her days in drudgery: making certain nobody found her parents in the Canvas while ensuring their bodies were cared for. Caring for Alicia herself after the first nurse had tried to sell pictures of her maiming. The world was full of vultures: her family's seclusion had been interesting. Paperwork, planning, and caretaking, day after day. Clea hadn't even wanted to leave their manor: if her sister's friends could betray her, who was to say Clea's would not do likewise? ]
When I considered my life in the future, it was with perpetual weights on my neck, sinking me down into weeks and years of being as a pack mule or a servant.
[ A sentiment many would consider horrific. Caretakers were supposed to be happy for their burdens, to be positive and act only out of love. They weren't supposed to have any feelings about what they placed aside. Clea was supposed to welcome the idea of being her sister's advocate and caretaker for the rest of their lives, for decades, even as it was thrust upon her as suddenly as the injury had been on the remaining younger sibling. She was not supposed to resent the constraints this placed upon her ability to live her own life. ]
I only considered surprise to be a negative at that point. Surprise had stolen my brother and my life from me.
[ And so, for some time, it had provided no succor. ]
Then, someone I had known as a child and moved away returned unexpectedly, and she came calling. We ended up in a small shop, trying lavender ice cream together. She had not been in any of my thoughts of the future. She had been a surprise, but a welcome one.
It served as a reminder that the future is not set in stone.
[ There are still joys. ]
no subject
Even so, she remains convinced the Machine did not send her here for her benefit. Which means she listens to Clea's story with personal interest, and with something more. Something sharper. ]
I don't get surprised very often, [ Root confesses, because existence was for so long just drudgery to her. ] But you've always managed to surprise me.
They tried to contain you, but you're too much to be contained. If it wasn't that visitor and that ice cream it would've been something else. You got out of there somehow -- that part was inevitable.
[ She's here today, so she must have. Root is openly admiring, not a trace of reservation in her praise. It's vanishingly few people she has anything complimentary to say about, but those few, she's effusive. And she's become even less reserved since falling in with the Machine. ]
You were never meant to be subservient. To anyone.
no subject
[ Clea is pleased that she is a source of surprise. That she adds some of that all-important entropy to the other woman's life. She does strive to be interesting. She could have easily rested on her parents' laurels and name and spent her life creating insipid 'art', or singing absurd songs others wrote that contained as much intellectual substance as cotton candy.
Instead, she has devoted her life to the esoteric and the odd, to plumbing the depths and crannies of the human experience and rendering them. To reminding people that there is more in heaven and Earth than is dreamed of in their philosophies.
To have succeeded with a woman with such a unique life is a source of pride.
To be so admired by a woman with such a unique experience is a source of pleasure. Clea smiles. It is not a soft expression: there is an fierce edge to it, a glint in her eyes. It is an expression of triumph. ]
That is true. I wish I had photographed my parents' faces when they realized I'd taken custody of my sister.
[ They had thought she was bluffing. That they could remain in their fairy tale world playing games while their lives burned and Clea would do nothing.
Clea leans forward and gives Root her full attention, grey eyes examining her thoroughly, as she would any piece of art. ]
You are more yourself than you used to be.
[ Hmm. No. That is not correct. Root has always been herself, even underneath the mask. ]
You exist in more of your potential space than you had before. You grow in many directions instead of one.