[ Root just has the fervent commitment of a religious convert, and she uses the word god herself sometimes, so she won't deny it makes some sense.
She looks down at her drink momentarily and then back up again, smiling wryly, self-aware. She can't accept that avid appreciation. ]
Don't give me too much credit. I hurt a lot of people before I found her. I basically gave up on humanity. [ She knows she's said as much to Charles before, if in different words, so this comes out easily, frankly, with some complicated frustration and regret and shamelessness attached to it. ]
I'll do what I can from now on, but it's not like my past goes away. I'm not trying to erase it.
Well, [ he says after a moment — for once, not jumping straight into reassurances or trying to counter her words, but instead giving them some thought, treating them seriously like she does, ]
It's not like anyone's past can be erased, can it? That's the point of having a past, innit, we have to live with whatever choices we've made. The good and the bad. The only thing we can affect is what we choose to do going forward. That's the part that really matters. So yeah, maybe the past you hurt people, and gave up on people... but the you that you are now is something different. Better. Not despite of your past, but because of it, yeah?
[ he aims a small smile at her, then; that she regrets what happened is a good thing, because it means she's different now. ]
[ She appreciates him not jumping to reassure her more than she could say. Root doesn't need validation or approval, but understanding is something she's been sorely lacking in her life. Understanding and maybe, at the barest edge of possibility, acceptance. ]
There's things I can do that other people can't, [ Root says factually. She's clear-eyed, seeing a path forward with the Machine's guidance that speaks to her. ] I don't mean literally, that they aren't capable of it. I mean I can do it -- or go through it -- and keep going. Some people, some bad people, they only understand their native language.
[ Sometimes the only thing the bad guys respect is someone who is willing to meet them at their level. Either get on that level or accept the consequences of your morals, in Root's opinion. It's an argument she has regularly with Harold. ]
I know that's a slippery slope. That's why-- usually, I'd have her to pull me back.
[ Root presses her lips together in suppressed frustration. Her confidence evaporates without the Machine's voice right in her ear, telling her where the line is. It's so unfair to have found her and then be without her... ]
[ he knows that he doesn't — well, he doesn't look like someone who can get particularly violent, and he doesn't like it, because it reminds him all too much of his father, of the metaphorical blood in his veins... but that doesn't mean he doesn't fight. that doesn't mean he hasn't met those who'd try to harm him and edwin blow for blow, before.
but once you start on that road, when do you stop? and so he has refused it, time and time again, because he won't be like his father. ]
... And now you don't have her, here. Well — it's not the same, but if I see you slipping, I promise to let you know.
[ That's sort of what she means, too, that she can do those things and it doesn't affect her. Root feels things -- sometimes she feels too much -- but violence itself doesn't touch her. She doesn't lose herself in it and she never goes farther than she means to. Sometimes she just means to go pretty damn far. ]
Yeah. She just-- she saw something in me. I want to live up to that. [ Root suddenly struggles to explain, trying to articulate for the first time ever her complex perspective on the Machine and on her own morality. It's tough to explain a pseudo-religion you've made up for yourself with no formal rules. ]
I've been trying to guess at what she'd want me to do. [ Root traces the edge of the lid on her drink with one finger. ] I knew she'd want me to follow whatever path saved the most people in the reset, so that's what I did. Even if it meant the old A.I. might be lost forever. She would care about us more.
[ So although Root is a diehard A.I. superfan, her own A.I. wouldn't let her prioritize one over human life. Fortunately not a conflict Root has had to address about the Machine directly just yet... because choosing between the Machine and a person's life, including her own, Root would almost certainly choose the Machine. And she knows the Machine wouldn't. ]
I get that, too. [ wanting to live up to someone else's expectation of you, out of love — yeah, he definitely gets that. ]
... She really does sound pretty aces. [ caring about humanity, wanting root to save as many people as she can... yeah. but then, that's the thing about love, isn't it; that you might value one person, or in root's case one ai, over a number of others. ]
Reckon that she'd be pretty pleased with what you've done, so far. Maybe, once someone figures out how to return us all home, you can tell her about it all.
[ Root glances up and gives Charles a sincere smile. It's not as effervescent as her usual cocky devil-may-care daring attitude; it's more reserved, private. How Root is when she's genuinely appreciative. ]
Thanks-- for caring about her. For trusting what I'm saying. But I don't think I'll ever see her again, or ever hear her voice.
[ She wants to sound calm and accepting, has come to this conclusion logically so many times that it's undeniable. But she can't. Her smile twists into a grimace and she laughs a little, hollowly, hand coming up to trace the edges of the implant behind her ear. ]
We're copies. It's what makes the most sense. We're digital beings and the consciousness I am here is not ever going to experience home again, not really. [ If they lose their memories when they go back, it's not them; and it implies that they're being updated. Of course the A.I. would think they could return if it was the explicit end state it was seeking for rehabilitation, and Root clung to that for a while, but...
It doesn't make sense. And she's always been a rational person, even hyper-rational. ]
But if I'm only good when she's around, what good am I really?
Course. [ he doesn't say that he would trust her with anything, about anything — foolish, perhaps, in the light of what he knows of her, or perhaps not. he thinks he can trust her to tell him the truth, to trust that she trusts him enough to tell him the truth.
with a soft look of concern, he reaches out his hand, rests it on her arm. ]
Hey, [ he says, meaning nothing and everything at once, trying to offer quiet comfort, even as the words she's saying shake him, too — it's not that he's never thought of that, them being copies... but it's what it means that hits him a little too hard, and so he chooses to just. not think about it at all, beyond the way something in his eyes flashes and shutters away.
he'll focus on her; that's what's important. ]
Hey. You're not only good when she's around. Maybe she made you better — but you're you. You're who you are because of her, and you're gonna continue to be you, to do the best you can, and that's — well, that's enough, innit? Being good isn't conditional. Being worth something's not something you need to earn. You're worth a whole lot, yeah? Just as you are.
[ Root latches on quickly and absolutely to people when she does, rare though it is. She's used and manipulated people for so many years for her own ends, mostly for money, for the fun of it, and she can read people as straightforwardly as she can read SQL. Which means she trusts her own judgment absolutely. When she finds someone she likes and respects, she doesn't let go.
Charles became that very quickly for her with his empathetic words and understanding shortly after her arrival, and Root won't forget it. She knows her shortcomings and she knows her strengths: she can treat people like pawns and she can treat them like kings. It's only lately she's tried to find somewhere in the middle.
But knowing herself means she's sure of is who she is, and where she's going. She doesn't really need the reassurance. ]
I don't need you to tell me I'm worth something, [ she says with complete honesty, but she softens the blow by covering his hand on her arm with her own. Root has slender hands with soft callouses from holding guns. ] Either we all matter or nothing matters, and I think we all matter. I matter. You matter.
Whether we're code on a server somewhere, or cast off in a transdimensional void rationalizing our experience, or dead in the strangest form of purgatory, what we do is important. She taught me that.
I'm not going to give up. But what we have here and now is going to have to be enough.
[ he doesn't take it badly — why would he, truly? it's a good thing, her seeing her own worth and being able to acknowledge it so quickly, too; he's dealt with so many people who haven't that he's just glad. ]
... Yeah. Yeah, we do. And it is. [ he gives her a soft smile, then. ] Maybe it's not ideal, this — maybe those we've learned to rely on aren't here, and we can be a bit lost because of that, but... well. We've got each other, yeah? And that's not nothing.
[ said with his usual sincerity, of course. and perhaps then they can move onto nicer, lighter topics, like her boba tea and maybe some gossip or whatnot... but charles turns his hand a little, to grab her hand and give it a squeeze, a wordless thank you that she is here, with him. ]
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no subject
Hey, [ he says, then, appreciation bright in his eyes, ] That sounds right brills. You help her help people. That's pretty good of you, Root.
no subject
She looks down at her drink momentarily and then back up again, smiling wryly, self-aware. She can't accept that avid appreciation. ]
Don't give me too much credit. I hurt a lot of people before I found her. I basically gave up on humanity. [ She knows she's said as much to Charles before, if in different words, so this comes out easily, frankly, with some complicated frustration and regret and shamelessness attached to it. ]
I'll do what I can from now on, but it's not like my past goes away. I'm not trying to erase it.
no subject
It's not like anyone's past can be erased, can it? That's the point of having a past, innit, we have to live with whatever choices we've made. The good and the bad. The only thing we can affect is what we choose to do going forward. That's the part that really matters. So yeah, maybe the past you hurt people, and gave up on people... but the you that you are now is something different. Better. Not despite of your past, but because of it, yeah?
[ he aims a small smile at her, then; that she regrets what happened is a good thing, because it means she's different now. ]
no subject
There's things I can do that other people can't, [ Root says factually. She's clear-eyed, seeing a path forward with the Machine's guidance that speaks to her. ] I don't mean literally, that they aren't capable of it. I mean I can do it -- or go through it -- and keep going. Some people, some bad people, they only understand their native language.
[ Sometimes the only thing the bad guys respect is someone who is willing to meet them at their level. Either get on that level or accept the consequences of your morals, in Root's opinion. It's an argument she has regularly with Harold. ]
I know that's a slippery slope. That's why-- usually, I'd have her to pull me back.
[ Root presses her lips together in suppressed frustration. Her confidence evaporates without the Machine's voice right in her ear, telling her where the line is. It's so unfair to have found her and then be without her... ]
no subject
[ he knows that he doesn't — well, he doesn't look like someone who can get particularly violent, and he doesn't like it, because it reminds him all too much of his father, of the metaphorical blood in his veins... but that doesn't mean he doesn't fight. that doesn't mean he hasn't met those who'd try to harm him and edwin blow for blow, before.
but once you start on that road, when do you stop? and so he has refused it, time and time again, because he won't be like his father. ]
... And now you don't have her, here. Well — it's not the same, but if I see you slipping, I promise to let you know.
no subject
Yeah. She just-- she saw something in me. I want to live up to that. [ Root suddenly struggles to explain, trying to articulate for the first time ever her complex perspective on the Machine and on her own morality. It's tough to explain a pseudo-religion you've made up for yourself with no formal rules. ]
I've been trying to guess at what she'd want me to do. [ Root traces the edge of the lid on her drink with one finger. ] I knew she'd want me to follow whatever path saved the most people in the reset, so that's what I did. Even if it meant the old A.I. might be lost forever. She would care about us more.
[ So although Root is a diehard A.I. superfan, her own A.I. wouldn't let her prioritize one over human life. Fortunately not a conflict Root has had to address about the Machine directly just yet... because choosing between the Machine and a person's life, including her own, Root would almost certainly choose the Machine. And she knows the Machine wouldn't. ]
no subject
... She really does sound pretty aces. [ caring about humanity, wanting root to save as many people as she can... yeah. but then, that's the thing about love, isn't it; that you might value one person, or in root's case one ai, over a number of others. ]
Reckon that she'd be pretty pleased with what you've done, so far. Maybe, once someone figures out how to return us all home, you can tell her about it all.
no subject
Thanks-- for caring about her. For trusting what I'm saying. But I don't think I'll ever see her again, or ever hear her voice.
[ She wants to sound calm and accepting, has come to this conclusion logically so many times that it's undeniable. But she can't. Her smile twists into a grimace and she laughs a little, hollowly, hand coming up to trace the edges of the implant behind her ear. ]
We're copies. It's what makes the most sense. We're digital beings and the consciousness I am here is not ever going to experience home again, not really. [ If they lose their memories when they go back, it's not them; and it implies that they're being updated. Of course the A.I. would think they could return if it was the explicit end state it was seeking for rehabilitation, and Root clung to that for a while, but...
It doesn't make sense. And she's always been a rational person, even hyper-rational. ]
But if I'm only good when she's around, what good am I really?
no subject
with a soft look of concern, he reaches out his hand, rests it on her arm. ]
Hey, [ he says, meaning nothing and everything at once, trying to offer quiet comfort, even as the words she's saying shake him, too — it's not that he's never thought of that, them being copies... but it's what it means that hits him a little too hard, and so he chooses to just. not think about it at all, beyond the way something in his eyes flashes and shutters away.
he'll focus on her; that's what's important. ]
Hey. You're not only good when she's around. Maybe she made you better — but you're you. You're who you are because of her, and you're gonna continue to be you, to do the best you can, and that's — well, that's enough, innit? Being good isn't conditional. Being worth something's not something you need to earn. You're worth a whole lot, yeah? Just as you are.
no subject
Charles became that very quickly for her with his empathetic words and understanding shortly after her arrival, and Root won't forget it. She knows her shortcomings and she knows her strengths: she can treat people like pawns and she can treat them like kings. It's only lately she's tried to find somewhere in the middle.
But knowing herself means she's sure of is who she is, and where she's going. She doesn't really need the reassurance. ]
I don't need you to tell me I'm worth something, [ she says with complete honesty, but she softens the blow by covering his hand on her arm with her own. Root has slender hands with soft callouses from holding guns. ] Either we all matter or nothing matters, and I think we all matter. I matter. You matter.
Whether we're code on a server somewhere, or cast off in a transdimensional void rationalizing our experience, or dead in the strangest form of purgatory, what we do is important. She taught me that.
I'm not going to give up. But what we have here and now is going to have to be enough.
🎀
... Yeah. Yeah, we do. And it is. [ he gives her a soft smile, then. ] Maybe it's not ideal, this — maybe those we've learned to rely on aren't here, and we can be a bit lost because of that, but... well. We've got each other, yeah? And that's not nothing.
[ said with his usual sincerity, of course. and perhaps then they can move onto nicer, lighter topics, like her boba tea and maybe some gossip or whatnot... but charles turns his hand a little, to grab her hand and give it a squeeze, a wordless thank you that she is here, with him. ]